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If Climate “Researchers” Became Doctors
ByTom Naughton
Published here with permission
I really coudn't resist this piece of satire by Tom Naughton, a fellow member of The International Network of Cholesterol Sceptics, as it could equally apply the other way around. It seems all of those who would rule our lives went to the same college.
You'll see what I mean if you read this.
“Step up on the scale, Mr. Naughton.”
“Sure, Doctor. I’m looking forward to seeing this myself.”
“Let’s see … slide this over a bit … hmm, pretty bad. Your weight is up again.”
“Uh … Doctor, you mind getting your foot off the scale?”
“Oh, okay.”
“So … you want to weigh me again now?”
“Sorry, I’ve already recorded the results. You can step down now.”
“But–”
“Just as I predicted. Man-made body enlarging. I told you to stop consuming so much animal fat.”
“There’s nothing wrong with eating–”
“If this keeps up, you’ll weigh 650 pounds by the year 2030. It’s a looming disaster.”
“Doctor, excuse me, but there’s no way I’m gaining weight. Look at me. I had to buy a smaller belt last month.”
“That’s a temporary anomaly. I’m more interested in the long-term trend.”
“I’ve been shrinking for two years now. I’ve also been eating more animal fat. So it can’t be making me fatter. Your theory doesn’t hold up.”
“Do you weigh more than you did 40 years ago?”
“Yes, I was a skinny runt 40 years ago.”
“And did your fat consumption go up during the past 40 years?”
“I was 11 years old 40 years ago! Of course I eat more now.”
“Aha! So you agree there’s a long-term trend in your body enlargement.”
“Those are natural forces at work. I’m pretty sure that’s been happening forever.”
“But the rate of the enlargement has accelerated. Look at your weight chart. See there? All nice and even for two decades, then it shoots up here at the end. It looks like a hockey stick.”
“That chart is bull@#$%!”
“It can’t be. I showed it to a bunch of doctors who are friends of mine and they agreed: it looks like a hockey stick. We even wrote a paper about it.”
“Look, Doctor, I went through a period in my thirties when I was fatter than I am today, and I wasn’t eating animal fat because I was a vegetarian. Now I’m experiencing a thinning trend, even though I eat a lot of fat. So obviously, fat isn’t the problem, and that chart is bull.”
“I see. So you’re a denialist.”
“What?!”
“I suppose you don’t believe the Holocaust happened either?”
“No! I mean, yes, I believe it happened. There’s evidence it happened. But there’s no evidence that I’m gaining weight!”
“Who’s paying you to say this? The dairy industry? The cattle ranchers?”
“Nobody’s paying me! Just use your senses! I’m smaller!”
“This is the worst case of denial I’ve ever seen. I’m afraid we’re going to have to institute a fat-and-trade system. Every time you consume fat, you’ll need to pay me a stiff fine. Or you can buy a fat credit from another tubbo who’s willing to go without butter for a week. It’s the only way to stop you from getting larger.”
“I AM NOT GETTING LARGER!”
“Yes, you are. It says so right here in my computer data.”
“Let me see that.”
“No. I will not have you second-guessing my data. I don’t have to show you anything.”
“Yes, you do, Doctor. And if you don’t, I’ll call my lawyer and have him file the papers.”
“Damn! I was hoping you didn’t know about that law. Now I have to destroy the data.”
“What?!”
“Nothing. I didn’t say anything.”
“Give me that book!”
“Hey! Give that back!”
“Back off, Doctor, or I’ll smack you. Let’s see … Hey, what’s with all the emails and notes?”
“Nothing. Just doctor’s notes.”
“Nothing, my @##. Look at this: ‘James - I figured out how to apply Mike’s trick of mixing belt-ring data with actual weight measurements to hide Mr. Naughton’s mid-thirties fattening period.’ What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“It doesn’t mean anything! ‘Trick’ is a common term in medical research. Give me that back!”
“And here’s a coding comment from the guy who designed your computer program. What does he mean, he’s having a hard time writing code that produces the results you want?”
“You know … just programmer lingo. That’s how they talk.”
“And this one: ‘James - Perhaps we should encourage our colleagues to boycott medical journals that publish articles by doctors who have seen people lose weight on high-fat diets. By the way, please delete this after reading.’ And you printed it out? What are you, an idiot?”
“Oh, I see. Already reduced to resorting to attacks on my character, huh?”
“And what’s up with this one: ‘James. The fact is that we cannot account for Mr. Naughton’s failure to gain weight in recent years, and it’s a travesty that we can’t.’”
“Well, uh …you see, the theory is still correct, because uh … I mean it’s not like we have anything to hide!”
“Let me get this straight … you wouldn’t give me your data, you threatened to destroy your data so I wouldn’t see it, your programmer was upset because he was having a hard time producing the data you wanted, you applied ‘tricks’ to your data, and in spite of all that, your colleague thinks it’s a travesty that you can’t explain why I’m not actually gaining weight. I’d say you were hiding something, Doctor.”
“But the theory is still correct! I’m sure of it! To hell with your annoying weight loss.”
“No, to hell with you, to hell with your theory, and to hell with your fat-and-trade fines. I’m leaving.”
“Don’t go outside while you’re angry, Mr. Naughton! You’ll get heat exhaustion!”
“It’s snowing, you moron.”
Last updated 9 December 2009
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